I decided to write this journal because I figured its simpler this way then explaining to all my friends individually.
Autism is a spectrum condition, theres one side of it that is about as autistic as someone can get and cant function in society. On the other side of the spectrum, I have what is called "Aspergers Syndrome" or "High-Functioning" Autism.
When it comes to this condition, it has its perks, but also a lot of problems.
I am a very mild case, I have a chance at functioning right in society when I get older with help.
Not many people know that its a social condition, and not many people find out they have it as early in life as I did. (I only found out when My stepdad first began living with us about two years ago.)
My cousin (stepdad's neice) has autism too, hers is a little more intense then mine but we are still part of the same part of the spectrum.
My stepdad has worked with autistic kids for years, he didnt know I had it until he started living with us though. As a matter of fact, nobody would know I had it unless they lived with me. My mom suspected it for years but my dad was too stubborn to go get me diagnosed.
I was constantly bullied in school throughout my childhood, and I legitimately had no idea why. The fact that I now know why is a bit comforting, but it makes me a bit frustrated that I didnt find out sooner.
The problems it contains in my case are things that effect me in ways that arent exactly pleasant. And almost every day I have to face these issues.
When talking to a regular person, I dont pick up on subtle sarcasm and I take things very literally, and very personally (which is why I normally dont respond well to sarcastic or harsh critiques on my OC's). I also dont pick up on certain social cues.For example:
If we were actually talking and I got stuck talking about anime and crap, if you were completely bored out of your mind, I wouldnt pick that up at all. I would completely miss that. So unless you actually tell me you want to change the subject, I'm gonna keep blabbering. This is also linked to how my obsessions work.
I tend to misunderstand people completely sometimes and I'll say the wrong things, and I'll react the wrong way, and when I do do these things I dont notice that what I said was odd.
I dont like changes in routine as well, whether its what I usually have for lunch to the very driving routes I take. Its not that I dont know that some changes are good, its just the fact that its a change in routine that makes me uneasy. (Basically, I have more trouble "going with the flow" then other kids.)
I also dont handle overly active or more intense situations as well as other kids.For example:
If I was put alone in a very active hospital where these a TON of activity going on, I'd be freaking out and having a huge melt down within at least half an hour.Example 2:
I was left traumatized and depressed for two days straight after my first boy-girl party. It was a birthday party for my friend Sophie, she has an identical twin brother. Thus it was a boy-girl party. Nothing legitimately bad happened, but there was a lot of cursing (I was legitimately shocked and I felt like the only innocent minded person there. I also felt quite left out. .//.), and there was also the huge pressure of playing truth or dare, I also stayed up till three AM which is also why I was so gosh darned emotional. After that my mom started having me take Tryptophan to help me sleep better and feel better when I woke up in the morning.
I also have a bit of growing up to do in some areas, in other words, there are some areas of emotional development that I am slower on then other kids my age. Its not that I'm stupid or anything, some areas are just taking a bit longer to develop properly.For example:
I am very dependent on my mother to stay by me. This is to the point where I'm too nervous to even order food or ask for a flyer by myself.
I also develop obsessions(mine are things such as Anime, cartoons, music, and art ... And just about anything having to do with britain or the british. XD) and what I forget to understand is that not everyone is as into it as me. I also used to carry drawing notebooks with me EVERYWHERE, whether it was church, school, even when I wouldnt even need them like in the car while we were going to the store. It became a security blanket for a while.
I stopped all that by now, all I carry with me now is my purse. But when I was in *public school* middle school, I was always the one who was sitting alone drawing on the bench at recess. And it made me a target for bullying.
I cope differently then other kids as well. When other kids cry but move on, I cry, then I would endulge myself in my art and lock myself away in my room for a while. Which was partially the reason why I, at one time, carried drawing books and my ipod with me everywhere. It was how I coped with my dad's death a few years back (but it fed my obsessions in the process.).
I also have more sensititve hearing then other kids, I was very scared of Fireworks when I was little because of how loud they were when other kids would giggle and love every bit of it. They are still louder for me, but at least I dont cling to my mom screaming anymore (I actually enjoy fireworks now). I sorta grew out of that when I was 10...
However, not all things about having autism is bad. There are a few good things about it. You know of Isaac Newton? He was believed to have autism because he was so smart and that he spent a lot of time alone when he was a child.
A lot of well-known people were believed to have autism, such as Steve Jobs.
I am told that I am very smart, even when I was little I used big words that people would look at me like I was some sort of genius for even knowing. In middle school I was teased constantly for speaking like an adult and using big words often when I spoke to others. I still do it now. But back then, I didnt notice what was so amazing about it. It just came normally to me. Example:
When i was really little, I would use the word "Canine" instead of "Dog". My mom was also surprised that I could perfectly pronounce "represents" at age 7.
I also developed my art skills because of my obsessions, which I know will still keep improving. My art skills are things that are actually very dear to me. They help me escape from the world around me when I need it. I also met some of the most amazing people and the best friends ever through my obsessions.
And even though I am slow in maturity in some areas, I'm actually much more mature about things in other areas then other kids are as well.
Right now I'm preparing for my first year of High school, in which I take two Special ed Classes. Language Arts, and Math.
My mom worked at the school I'm going to about 5 years ago, she gave me a private tour of the school and I met some of my teachers during a meeting I had with them when they were making sure that I got the proper learning experience at school and the proper environment to be in. This sorta came with me getting diagnosed with autism.
I'm also starting group therapy next thursday as well in order to help me out with this thing.
I also have a lot of other crap to deal with now.
I'm nervous but I know that this will probably be good for me.
I'm also auto-immune and I have Axiety problems like my mother, my axiety is linked to my autism to some degree.
I cannot eat wheat because of my auto-immune issues and all wheat really does for me is intensify my autism. So, like my mom, I dont eat wheat anymore.
But you know what? As I write this, I'm not afraid or sad for myself at all.
I'm not afraid of this.
For this is how God made me to be and I'm happy.
He made me like this for a reason, he made me who I am so that I could achieve great things someday.
I pray every day that I get better at dealing with my disorder. And I get better just by saying Hi back when someone says hi to me, or not forgetting my "Please"s and "thank you"s to someone.
My autism doesnt change who I am or what my personality is.
It doesnt have to change anything about me, and I dont think I would want it to.
This is who I am, and I'm happy with who I am regardless of whatever anyone else has to say about me or my autism.
I can only get better with dealing with it. And I'm okay with that.
I know I can't change who I am, but I can embrace it.
So Guys, I apologize if I can seem dull or if I seem a bit off in some areas when I talk to any of you.
Whether I talk to you on Skype, on the phone, on the internet, whatever.
I'm trying my best to get better and I'm working on my issues.
But at the same time I hope you can accept that and be patient with me. If you notice any changes in my behavior that seem unusual or better then last time, that either means I'm going through some stuff, or I am getting better. Or both.
I really am trying. I want to become something vaulable in society when I'm older. I just want to be normal.
So, my friends, I dont ask for your sympathy or pity nor do I really even want it. All I want is for you guys to know, and understand, why I sometimes act the way I do.
With all that having been said...I will get better eventually, but in the mean time just know that I'm trying my hardest and all I ask for is a bit of patience with me.
With that I bid you farewell.